Dear oh dear oh dear...

[ian Stanbury]

..Bad news from the front team..

I have the Southampton University team that recently won University Challenge here in France with me at present and to say they are clever would be an understatement!!

However, I decided to test their driving skills today by sending them charging around my island rally course but sadly one of them failed the test with a huge margin of error as can be seen in the pics below - BUT which one?

Each of them is going to list below their name and a brief description about themselves - I would like you all to try and decide which of them hit one of my precious trees and why you think it was that person having read their brief personal cv.

The winner will be whoever gets the correct answer with the most interesting rationale, and will be rewarded with a special Stanbury CD.

So here is the team...


Hello, my name is Hannah, I'm 18 years old and study audiology. I passed my test on the first attempt last year and have not crashed since. I drive a Peugeot 106.

Hi, my name is Meggie, I am 20 years old and was team captain on the university challenge panel, with my expertise in Marine Biology and Oceanography. I passed my test 2 and a half years ago with 5 minors. I drive my dad's beast of a Zafira.

Hello Renault people my name is Andrew, I'm 20 years old and i study civil engineering, I love sailing and anything that is extreme! I passed my test on my 2nd attempt with 3 minors. I live in London but do not drive regularly.

Hi, my name is Marc and I study computer science. I have driven everyday for the last 2 years and here is a list of cars I have not crashed: Mercedes A class, Renault Clio, Mini Cooper, Citroen C1 and Peugeot 306. However last year I rear ended another car in my vauxhall..... oops

My name is Dom and I study biochemistry... sometimes. Mainly I have fun at uni and enjoy driving my car a little too fast around roundabouts! I passed my test back in 2006 and have been driving my BMW 318ti. And so far haven't crashed.... or claimed on my insurance.

Hello my name is Jack, Ian's son. I'm 19 years old and study civil engineering and I once reversed into another car in a car park - just so happens I was in a Renault 4... wooops. Passed my test first time with 5 minors - I now drive a Saab turbo cause I'm a bad ass

 

[Bluebell]

Ian, it won't be your Jack as by now he'll know where all the trees are. And he knows how fond you are of them! It won't be either of the two ladies as we don't do that sort of thing. Marc and Dom are well used to fast cars like your French R4 so it won't be them. I would reckon it's that extreme person Andrew who lives in London where life is so organised that not many trees jump out unexpectedly.

 

[pepper]

I'd say Jack, cos he's a bad ass driver.

couldn't you have just made a nice poll up?

Or can't you do those on this forum?

 

[malcolm]

Oh dear, that is unfortunate. Should knock out reasonably well though - if you remove the bonnet and stand on it in the right place you can get it quite neat. Wings and chassis aren't bad to straighten either. Radiator OK? That front wheel where it should be?

That's the car we put all the worn balljoints on. Jack will be used to the odd handling by now so it won't be him.

Hannah says she hasn't crashed since her test so it can't be her that crashed. Unless she is fibbing.

Andrew is an engineer and therefore will have correctly calculated the car's trajectory, and planned for things going wrong. So it's not him.

I've never heard of an oceanographer crashing a Renault 4 into an arboretum, so it can't be Meggie.

This scientific process of elimination leaves Marc and Dom. I'll plump for Dom. He drives a BMW and they are forever being recovered from ditches. I think he was practicing. If I'm right no CD please, I'd like the culprit to have it

 

[Bluebell]

Ian, we are waiting on tenterhooks or, as they say here, 'sur des charbons ardents' (on passionate coals) which is so much more interesting. So who done it?????

PS Could you tell us oldies what passing your test with so many minors means?

 

[ian Stanbury]

..Can you wait 2 more weeks?

..I was actually hoping that some more of our 1000 Renault 4 cousins would have a stab at the answer but its obviously too hard so here is a clue..it wasnt one of these three charming youngsters!!

And I havent a clue what 'passing a test with 5 minors' means either so Meggie if you see this, please explain!!

 

[Le Champ]

Are your Guests expendable Ian?

I hope the driver was belted in :eek: and in better condition than that poor little 4 - is it a sinpar? (rear suspension looks higher than normal) Well it looks like a male situation (think Bluebell's thinking is closest - testosterone and intelligence often preclude one another) Jack or Dom likeliest - fastest drivers/overconfidence/impressing the ladies, but severely handicapped by the anticlockwise race course and LHD machinery - zero steering - wide spaced pedals - the 3 foot of bodywork on their unaccustomed right side (normally drive rhd) = offside prang. Dom has been eliminated from this kamikaze event so that leaves Jack and the socket set. Clockwise please, if there's a next time and get those b/joints changed.

 

[ian Stanbury]

..Lord Roche of Countryside..

..I expect you all remember my big chum Lord Roche of Countryside - He who threw all his family encyclopedia britannicas away as he thinks he knows everything - well the cheeky monkey has accused me of driving my own pride and joy into the tree and then pointing the accusatory finger at the next generation..

As he knows everything you would have thought he would add his own views here but he is very shy and retiring and has lived in an 18 bedroom castle in Kent for a number of years without evening venturing outside to say hello to his permanent garden staff - Alan Titsmarsh, Rachael De Mersey, Dermaid O'Bejoyful and Percy 'The Thrower' Thrower, last seen in the England Cricket team in 1962.

This is what he says:

It was you. It was you showing off and now you’re trying to pass off the blame on these bright and blameless young people who are so bright the will inherit the earth and have no need for strangely box-shaped French cars. If I could work a blog or an instant messenger web site thingy I would post this notice there. But I can’t and all my children are at school.

Get yourself a carbon footprint. Much better than those glass or paper jobs and a great deal faster round corners and particularly around trees. It’s not a mechanic you need. It’s an arborculturalist. Goodbye, Roche of Countryside


So Boo Hoo to you Roche and why cant we enthusiastic Renault 4 peoples come and drive round your 100 acres estate as you promised a while ago - You could even drive my friend Gunilla's 1968 bright orange R4 with a black bonnet. Gunilla was originally from Tromso in Norway but married a merchant seaman from Gourock and has lived happily now for many years in a wee village called Courtbarn in Canterbury and is really is a smasher.

 

[malcolm]

A difficult challenge. This calls for Hercule the Frog.



Lord Roche. The culprit was not Sir Ian, but it is your lateral thinking that has provided ze most important clue in zis case.

Now you are all seated ve will recreate the events of the night in question.

Jack - you ave already crashed a Renault 4 and zis is a terrible thing. But you have spent much time studying the route through the arboretum for your other motive, so zis time sadly it is not you.

Meggie - you could be suspected but for the darker secret you have to hide. Ver you not at the time of the crash engaged in a rendevou with none other than Andrew! Is it not hiding behind the Eucalyptus occidentalis zat you vill discuss of underwater technology.

No! Ze real culprit has been obvious all along, though he is not in ze list from Ian. But he will now reveal himself!

 

[Bluebell]

OK, but how can you be cross with him when he looks so contrite?

 

[ian Stanbury]

..And he with us tonight and..

..providing us with loads of amusement - I have even more youngsters here with me this week and they are very amused about all this funny stuff and I would like to say that I am 104 years old and have not laughed so much since the 1919..

I am surprised that none of you objected to the inclusion of a pic of my chum Gunilla to the fray and apparently she popped round to Lord Roche this afternoon to offer her services as an assistant gardener (Rachael De Merseys stand in when she is filming) as long as he looked her in the eye all the time - Needless to say he didnt have a clue what she was going on about and said yes..

 

[Le Champ]

Rescue Plan - What does the Team think?

Bonsoir, All is not lost - a cunning rescue plan must be formulated to save our little friend - the wheel/front suspension components appear to have been driven backwards into the bulkhead by the force of the impact. The Kubota may supply some mighty 'tractive effort' in exerting an opposite and equal reaction/force to the offside stub axle carrier assembly via megga stout shackles and hauser/rope/chain. Our little friend must of course be similarly megga shackled from the rear to an immovable object (no shortage of them) else you'll be dragging it all over the place. Similarly, should the Kubota in it's lowest gear not have the 'puff' then a winch will be required and our little friend must be placed between the 2 stoutest immovable objects of your choice. This operation should be carried out with the greatest of care and minimum force must be exerted slowly - snapped ropes will certainly 'whiplash' :eek: and injure. Remove the tie rod first. This stratagem may render our little friend at least usable/self-propelled once more and in some measure assuage your sense of loss. Do not try this until Malcolm/Clem et al have pronounced on it's efficasy. Quelle finesse - A Bavarian Sine Maiden surely?

 

[F6frogie]

I think it maybe Marc ??

 

[pepper]

Well I check every day for the final version of who Dun it but it seems to no avail?

Are we going to be kept in suspense for even longer?

 

[ian Stanbury]

..You are right Dr Pepper..

..Time to let you all know the answer..

Its was...Andrew

 

[malcolm]

Well done Bluebell - got it first time! But was the explanation correct too?
I think I'll have to fire Hercule the Frog and try Sherlock the Camel next time.

 

[Bluebell]

This is a poem what I wrote:

I don't know much
About things with four wheels
But I've won a CD collection
To rival John Peel's!

 

[ian Stanbury]

..Praise where praise is due..

..Look what my lovely friend Rhian (who definitely is one of the nicest ladies in the whole world) says about this site and Gunilla!!

What a great website. Was Gunilla driving by any chance? She had the airbags already inflated I noticed, so it could have been her!

lots of love
Rhian x

 

[Andre Ozanne]

A man who may be mad

Sir Ian bounds up to our pad in september and off loads a whole load of stuff nothing unusual there i here you say. Gourds turned to soup were most tasty poll jumping pole still needs to be mastered, we spend a pleasant few hours gasing about this and that with no hint toward madness.And with a quick spin of the car with the sticker in the back saying his other car is an R4 hes off.

2 minutes hes back, but this time he mis judges the drive careers onto the lawn and bang straight into a 1500 year old sequoia, In a court of lawn the jury would find the following evidence as a serial repeat offender conclusive, ladies and gentlemen of the forum i rest my case

Sir Ian arise i knight you the r4 crasher

 

[ian Stanbury]

..Oh god we are back to this thread!!

..Well I think we need to sort out the Wood from the Chaff about young Mr O's story..and I suspect he is going to now be a regular contributor!!

And as you will all have realised, Andre Ozanne is in fact a famous writer and economist but with a name like that, he has decided to have a Pseudonom - J K Rowling - Galbraith!!

I did turn up in September bearing gifts - But the free Ostrich skin Land of Leather sofa as seeing on my roof rack was refused by Mrs O on the grounds that it was second hand..'Give it to your son for his new grubby students house in Southampton' I was told...

The tree I hit wasnt 1500 years old Sequoia but was in fact a 800 year old Swamp Cypress and I only took a little bark off..

Mr O has told me he is a budding round the world sailor and has installed as you can see, a dinghy on his front lawn to practice in. I suggested he takes it to the sea but he say its too dangerous and anyway the sea is too far away. He boasts however that he has the worlds largest a collection of Boys which is more perculiar than Peppers penchant for Beating things!! (see pic)

As you can see Mr O suggests he is a Citroenist. Does having the bonnet from an old citroen truck, and a rather overstacked cupboard in the shape of an old deux cheveux van carry any credibility as a Citroenist...I dont think so...he doesnt even have a beret!!

Anyway I could go on but I will let you all judge for yourselves from the pics..

What I can tell you all is that Mr and Mrs O and their littleuns are in my Top Ten of the nicest people in the world...and if any of you need a honeymoon holiday looking at Cows or a honeymoon holiday looking at Portugal, send them an email..Dont write as they dont get post in Hill Head - Its too far away from everywhere for our friends at Royal Mail to bother to deliver to them!!

www.quintabranca.co.uk
www.cowesview.co.uk

Now the picture show...